Friday, February 25, 2005

A man wanted to sell me a car

Dang so like I was completely walking along, and all of a sudden this guy wanted to sell me a car. I don't need a car so from the get-go I kind of approached the situation sort of fancifully. I was walking past the main parking lot for the Lemoni medical center, where a lot of cars that are for sale are usually parked along the sidewalk with their phone numbers on an interior placard.

I was just a dude who was walking so it struck me as weird that the guy was as aggressive as he was. His banter at first seemed kind of charming and Sales-y, but as we started to talk about the car more it became clear that he was probably a crazy person. He started to say all this stuff about how like if I had any second thoughts we could talk about the car over a round at Pebble Beach and then he even said some misogynistic stuff about women.

It was pretty strange to see a crazy person talk. He was really pushy and tried to get my home address, and he also wanted to know where I went to school. I figured out that he was trying to build up like a case study on me so that he could murder me, and I had all these ideas about pushing him over, but in the end I just left and walked away while he yelled towards me. You don't want to aggravate a crazy person, you never know when they'll fixate on you and try to come into your bedroom and do just unthinkable stuff.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Dang why did I cook penis food

Man so usually I just keep all my food out in the little cube fridge in the pool house and go inside to cook it and cool it with whoever's at Ray's. Today I was all excited to make a turkey burger (less sodium than ground chuck) with cheese and bacon and salami and pickle. It's kind of my version of a "meat lover's burger," which sounds like a food item a chain restaurant would offer. When I got inside Lyle and Ray were downing Long Island Iced Teas and talking shit at the breakfast bar, and I set about cooking my treat.

I started by heating up the pan and throwing a strip of turkey bacon in (again, less sodium) and two pieces of turkey salami (way less sodium). After I threw the second piece of salami in I did this huge double-take: I had thrown the salami in on either side of the bacon, since the bacon was laying across the middle of the pan, and it completely looked like cock and balls. Terrified, I quickly scooted the food around with a spoon, and it ended up looking like a smile. Then I realized that if anybody was watching, it would look like the food was creating a progression of ideas where (1) I like the shape of cock and balls, and then (2) I express my happiness about cock and balls by rearranging the meat to look like a smile.

I tried to make it look like a frown but the bacon was kind of hard to move around and I ended up taking one of the pieces of salami out early so that the organization of the meat didn't look like too much of anything, but fortunately when I looked up no one was actually paying any attention to me and so I threw it back in, in the smile configuration.

The burger was pretty good, and as I was eating it I felt myself calming down about the cock and balls thing.