Saturday, March 12, 2005

Holy Jones can you even believe what I did

Man uh so I guess it ain't no secret that I like to read on the pot ever since Ray went and told the whole world that time he mentioned it in his old advice column (third letter down). Well anyways I was chilling in his room using his G5 to try to isolate some cross-platform CSS issues I was having with this one page I had been coding. It turns out I had to do B.M. so I went into his master bathroom can and got about my business. When I was starting the business I saw that the toilet paper dispenser was empty and I kind of freaked out because it was too late to put on the brakes, you know, but fortunately I looked to my right and saw a little basket with some new rolls in it. While I was sitting there transacting business I took the old cardboard tube off the dispenser and loaded the new roll on. I dropped the spent tube into the basket lining of this pair of swim trunks I had on, for temporary holding so I could throw it away when I finished up (I could not reach the trash can).

Ray had this copy of Penthouse in the magazine rack by the toilet. Tucked inside it was a German magazine called BBW KüchenFückers, which was weird, but whatever, you know. It was all these pictures of chubby ladies grinding on cakes and smiling into the camera. Anyhow I got kind of caught up in the Letters section of Penthouse, reading all the sexual escapade stuff like about a dude who was laid by hot twins after he taught his art class, etc. I estimate maybe twenty minutes passed, during which I did a quick statistical analysis and calculated that the average Penthouse Letters contributor claims that his penis is 9.5" long. I guess the average guy wants a penis that would stick out the other end of a 7-Layer Burrito.

Anyhow when I got done I stood up and drew my shorts up real quick and forgot that the cardboard tube was still in the middle of my drawers. It felt kind of creepy and when I looked at myself in the mirror the tube kind of made this shape like Darth Vader's triangular mouthpiece and so I said "It looks like your father made a mistake, Luke."

Anyhow, I'll leave that little scene to play out in your own head because I have got to hit the hay. I have this hunch that Mt. St. Helens is gonna erupt for real tomorrow morning at 7:26am and I have $5 riding on it with Ray.