Thursday, October 27, 2005

More updates on current TV programs

I am gonna update you on some more shows that I have not been watching this season, yet which I have watched in previous seasons. Sit back and stay tuned as R. Beef Kazenzakis gives you this week's scoop on...

(summary narrated by Donald Trump)
Cormax team faced off against the Versatech team to see who could turn the biggest profit on sunglasses and umbrellas on various street corners in Manhattan. Cormax team leader Jackson wisely avoided the Senegalese-dominated Wall Street, and Versatech embarrassed itself when an oblivious team member, Brody, tried to hock a pair of $5 imitation Ray Ban Wayfarers to Karl Lagerfeld, who was getting out of a private car on Lexington Avenue. The agitated Lagerfeld personally came to the Boardroom to fire Brody, who was this week's loser.

Larry becomes impatient at a taqueria and remarks to his agent, who is with him, "It's like these people have never made a burrito before!" He does not intend for the cook making his burrito to hear him, but the cook does, and there is a pretty tense moment, and Larry ends up throwing his burrito away in the bathroom, too upset and paranoid to eat it. The next night Larry and his wife are at a reading of Latino poetry, and the main poet is the cook Larry had insulted. Afterwards, at the reception, they discover that the poet had taken a job in the taqueria to make the details of his poetry more real. The poet confronts him about his hateful words, and mentions that everyone at the taqueria knew he had thrown his burrito away in the bathroom, because "never in the history of the taqueria has anyone ever brought their food anywhere near the baƱo." Larry laughs at this, but it apparently wasn't meant as a joke, because the man just stares at him, then shakes his head and says, "you are a coward." Larry feels bad about this later and talks about it with Julia-Louis Dreyfus.

A thrilled man in a shiny gold suit seems to tell contestants that they have to walk across a narrow Astroturf platform, over a large pool of water, while holding an enormous Great Dane in their arms. When the Great Dane is instead taken outside by models and fed treats in the studio parking lot, I remain confused. What about the Astroturf platform? The show continues on to its musical number, a spicy latina singing dance music to a powerful beat.

There you have it, TV updates from my imagination!

For bonus material this week, a poem from my archives:

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by R. Beef Kazenzakis

Caramel Treat
Good to eat
Butter and sugar
Tasty and neat

Caramel Treat
Chewy and sweet
Sticks to my teeth
becomes harder
The more I chew...
The tighter my teeth
Are locked together(!)
Frozen, fused together
The caramel was a

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Sunday, October 23, 2005

I do not watch the Survivor TV show

I know this ranks me in the bottom 1/3 of all conversational males but I ain't been into watchin' Survivor this season. Molly is into it as always but after 782 seasons of seeing folks get correspondingly skinnier and madder I guess I been tryin' to use the time for something else.

Obviously I can still tell you what weekly Survivor updates would be like though based on havin' watched several seasons in the past. If you also ain't been watchin' Survivor, this is what you probably missed:


In an attempt to defend himself against accusations that he napped most of the day, CORY pointed out how QA-MING had failed the team in the Rope Challenge by falling three times.

DEBORAH, winner of the Reward Challenge, enjoyed the Mountain Dew hamburger bar with her mother. She opted not to let CARTER, of rival tribe MBINGUE, see his mother, and this brought tensions to the boiling point.

FRYJVAL went for a refreshing dip in the Cuoonoco and caught several fish, which brought tensions to the boiling point.

JAAQUISHA's frequent attempts to lead the DONANDI tribe into Christian prayer brought Sam and Kyle to the boiling point.

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So anyhow if you want to watch TV but you only have access to my URL through your highly damaged Antarctic military Internet workstation (i.e. you can get no URL but mine) then that is basically what you are missing.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Car registration fees due again

Man they hock you up for a couple hundo a year and I got to think they ain't usin' that money properly. If you ever drive by a road work site where some gutto dude with a two-sided STOP/SLOW sign is makin' thirty bucks an hour and he is Lawrence from Office Space, then you know what I mean. That man is takin' home more clams than your basic scientist.

Here is what I think the Department of Motor Vehicles does when they are deciding how to use all our car registration fees.

1. Oh dogg we just got mad checks in the mail! We gonna get off the HOOK!

2. No man we got to use that money on roads and conditions

1. Come on we got to get some beers and some Sam Adams you know?! Fra-lacha!

2. There is a problem with drainage at the Gleason off-ramp

1. So let's park some trucks there from May through July and just party, man!

2. Wait. Really?

1. Who gonna ask, maen?

2. Wow.

1. We can party with my cousin Victor! Mad checks just came in, dooood!

That is what I think happens when I send my money to an office that I never see and they get to use the money in a way I can't see.

Friday, October 07, 2005

So things with me and Molly.

Well if you want any kind of account the basic fact is that we are hanging around and she usually kicks at my place in the evenings, sometimes staying at her place if she works late and doesn't want to make the long walk from the nearest bus stop to Ray's (since Ray's neighborhood is pretty falutin' they ain't got many bus stops too close by). So that is all fine and good, we get a good balance of time and I can feel free to kick around this place just frettin' or makin' a dish to eat. Truth be told it is more of the former and the last dish I cooked to eat was pretty crass, just some microwaved hot water that I threw frozen peas into and when the peas were hot I ate those with a slotted spoon. I figured the peas had nutrition but I looked them up on Google and peas ain't got zick-dack for my dang endoplasmic reticulum to pass around. My endoplasmic reticulum is like "why did you eat peas." Like it is kind of bored and does not look up from its newspaper.

We are gonna go on a "last picnic" tomorrow, last picnic before it rains kind of thing. It will be good to get a decent sandwich, maybe I will stop havin' the Confusions and feelin' all weak in the morning. Man I got to eat better. It is still noisy, I will go out to Ray's party and get some wings and slaw from the catering. I love on some buffalo wings, all dressed in delectable sauce.