Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Hitched up to the Cash I.V.

Holy hell and high water does every person in the community come around with their hand out when your time comes to get hitched. On a regular day you might walk down the street and see six hundred normal people and they will not mean much to you; if you are about to get married, however, each of them will open their trench coat or sweater set as you pass by to reveal engraved save-the-date cards or meat upgrades on the catering menu or a non-terrible rental cummerbund that costs ten smacks more than the terrible ones with zebra stripes that come standard. Good God in his mighty chair why would I want to have a permanent engravement made of an invitation which sure as blazes won't ever be used again. Tradition can eat this fat one that I am about to jam out of my ass hole. You're damn right I made that into two words for emphasis. And yes I said that.

Alright don't get me wrong I am on a cloud since I shored my muster and made the commitment to Molly. But I been compilin' a list of all the damn stuff that needs to get paid for just to make this whole process be "socially official" or whatever and it is come to summer grapes. Check out all these damn costs and then consider that our wedding doesn't even have a job to pay for itself:

1. Engagement ring (yes I got to get a real one), probably like $4k

2. Airplane bottle of J├Ąger to get me dumb enough to "man up" and buy the right one: $3.65

3. Nice dinner for the evening when we got engaged: $113.74

4. Nice lunch the day after we got engaged: $45.29

5. Nice dinner the day after we got engaged (can't just go back to pork and beans so quick): $79.21

6. Special massage for her since this should be a happy week of her life: $80

7. Pedicure and manicure for same reason: $35

8. Meeting with a wedding planner: $0 (if God help me I consult with a motherf$r who tells me how to buy flowers from a flower store then just put the railroad spikes in my feet and do me in with a kickstand welded to a chain, I swear to God I'll tip you as a dying gesture).

9. A hat: ($23). I normally don't buy myself a hat but I was feeling kind of up on things and got a cool embroidered cap at the booth of this dude who was playing a Chapman Stick at the farmer's market. I now have a hat that says Troy Koller on the front, in Times New Roman. I will make sure that this is my only hat for at least five years.

10. Oh holy Christ and Jesus here we are at number ten and the coffee ain't even come to a boil yet

Damn I mean I kicked away a few bucks for this day since normally the bride's family chomps these fees but seein' as they all died four hundred years ago that ain't too likely. Sad to see it go; hope Showbiz can lay off the tweeters and mega-woofers a while. (He can't.)