Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Yeah so what if I went to the dildo store

Jesus man it does not need to be such a big deal if a regular man goes to the dildo store. Man did I have a damn issue even though a dildo is a basic product and there should be a basic courteous system for buying it. The issue was with the damn earth-dyke ladies who think it is so wicked-cool that they run a dildo store that they cannot take even a moment to sell you a dildo without getting all, "pig-like man, don't you realize that the very joists of the earth come out of a woman's bodungeon" about the whole thing. Jesus I have had it with clerks where the attitude comes first. Sorry to get all Pat.

So anyhow I was looking at all the cases for the longest time with the line "yes please just one real basic manageable dildo" running in my head in case anyone should ever try to help me, but no one ever did. They kept hanging out towards the end of the counter and talking about this recent event which most local lesbians had been at, involving the weekend and a lot of chain-lingerie and the gleeful pissing off of older conservative-type people on the sidewalk. Finally after about five hundred and sixty-seven minutes this lady in a small leather policeman cap and a metal bracelet around her bicep asked me what I needed and I said "a basic dildo without machine functions and maybe just a moderate amount of inches." I guess they aren't used to the plain facts or whatever because there became this big ha-ha-ha of all the ladies gathering around and laughing at what I said. Real humorless I held up four twenty-dollar bills and gave the first lady a pretty cold one right into the eye, which got her attention. After a few seconds of looking at the money she remembered that even jerks got to pay rent and got out a pretty plain little number called "The Colt" and gave me my change. Damn was it good to get out of that goddamned place. Jesus why does it got to be so hard to get anyone an anniversary present in this town. Man am I all steamed up.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Think I might have asthma

Some dude with just these nasty-ass dreadlocks came by and asked if we had any old bikes that he could fix up but almost immediately I started sneezing nonstop and couldn't talk about bikes. He said "bless you, mon" a few times but after a while of the sneezing he got real annoyed and just kind of said he might try back another time and left. It is possible that he thought I was sneezing as a way of implying that he did not smell so great but folks can't really fake a believable sneeze in the way you can with a cough. Anyhow within thirty seconds my sneezes abated and it was back to normal. Is it asthma when you get the extreme sneezes? Maybe I was just allergic to whatever doo he used while curing his dreads. Seriously, I heard they use dog poo as part of the "rub" that makes their hair turn into that terrible mess. Imagine that, being allergic to rasta people. Put that in your pipe and smoke it (50' or greater from my door).

Friday, September 09, 2005

Got on down to Nicaragua

Dang so I got on down to Nicaragua and had me some nasty old asado steak and breezy white shirt beach moments. Dirty old trip didn't even cost too much of a dime and all the flights went as planned. I tell you it was nice just to lean back a while at a place a million miles from my mud and let the waiters and hotels do their stuff. It ain't regular that I can let a waiter or staff man serve me without constantly remembering that I am less than him but in this case it was time to stick a buck in the levee and take the old pressure pot off the heat.

The total cost of the trip was $471.89 including all tips and it has all been accounted for and my books are fresh and I am feeling even just a tiny bit juiced. Dogg I got hit in the head with a cold cloud and came back positive.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Might get on down to Nicaragua.

Dang so I been real interested in takin' just a me trip lately, down on south to potentially Nicaragua. There was this pamphlet in the free magazine that comes on Thursdays and it was all about Nicaragua, where apparently you can just have as fine a day as can be cold eating a crispy grilled fish in a pretty affordable resort, tasty Huamototchil sauce on the fish (rich brown sauce with olives), maybe even a personal waiter who waits out of sight but is always mindful of when you need more water or another Modelo. In my vision of me doing this I have on an easygoing white short-sleeve button-up shirt and some huaraches with the sole made outta old tire tread.

Normally I would not take much direction from pamphlets in the free magazine that comes on Thursdays but I guess this one piqued me 'cause I been feelin' a little bit like I ain't exercisin' my right to move freely about the earth much lately.

Anyhow I got a little Spanish goin' on from high school and I figure if you can say the following phrases you can get by without gettin' done up too bad:

¿Cuanto para un cuarto para un señor?
How much for one room for one single man.

¿Donde Ud. piense que esta el luego mejor de los bien cena? No hablo de una restaurante muy caro. Quiero una restaurante con el sabor y ingredientes honéstes.
So, where do you think the best dinner in town is? I'm not talking about an expensive restaurant. I want a restaurant with good value at an honest price. [lightly pound fist twice over heart, purse lips, and nod with sincere eyes]

El conducidor del taxi tenié muchos verrugas. Tenia Ud. <<Handi-Wipes?>>
That cab driver had all kinds of warts. Can you give me some handi-wipes?

Anyhow man I mean this is just a dalliance at this point but I am already imagining all kinds of not being bothered plus a big grilled skirt steak for dinner. Since their economy is basically Sunday mornin's Friday fish I think I could do it up even halfway decent and not get a motel where there are constant drug gang chainsaw murders in the showers in the rooms on either side of mine.